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  #21  
Old March 27th, 2014, 06:34 PM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

That's a pretty serious fight for an eight year old.

Earlier in the thread, Lucy suggested that you check the custody agreement to see what rights your DH has to take your stepson to a counselor. I think she was right. I think you and your DH could/should start with a visit to his pediatrician to inform him/her of these behavioral issues. The ex-wife may be willing to ignore what you say, but it's possible she'd listen to a doctor.
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  #22  
Old April 1st, 2014, 06:14 AM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

So he got in another fight yesterday at school and my husband texted his ex about it saying they need to take it seriously. She actually responded, which is good because she has been avoiding this. She wants to meet to talk and even discuss our older stepson spending more time at our house because he isn't respecting her at all.

Does this seem like this would be a good solution? Now I wouldn't mind having him around more. So that's not why I am a little hesitant with this. When I married my hubby, I married his kids too knowing that there could always be the possibility we'd have them all the time and if we ever did I would be totally fine with it. I just wonder if this will really help my stepson or not. If he doesnt respect his mom, would him being away from her more really help or just mask the problem? He doesn't really respect me or his dad, but he does listen more to his dad than he does to me or his mom. We are also still looking into a counselor, just not sure how to go about it.
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  #23  
Old April 1st, 2014, 06:29 AM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

I think it would help him. I don't think spending more time with his dad and you, who want to address the problems, will make him disrespect his mother more.

I think you're pretty awesome for caring so much.
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Old April 1st, 2014, 06:45 AM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

Oh thanks. I just want him to be happy here. I mean don't get me wrong, when my stepson is acting up it hurts and makes me mad, but I know if I just blow up at him or give in to all my negative selfish thoughts about not helping him at all, that it won't help any of us. And I want us to all be happy.

We have thought before it would be better if we could have them with us more because we have felt at her house she isn't being a parent and is just trying to be their friend. But I just wanted to make sure it would be a good idea. I don't want him to feel like he isn't getting enough time with his mom. But I suppose it can't hurt to try it. One of our biggest problems was always that he would just start to behave at our house and it would be time for her week and he would come back all riled up. Maybe being at our house more could give him some consistency. And some more one on one time with his dad. I am always encouraging my husband to do more stuff with each of his kids one on one, maybe this would allow for more opportunities with that. But then I worry about how it might affect my other stepson. He is a good kid and often gets overlooked because of that. And recently he has been acting up a little here and there and I know it's because he wants and needs attention too.
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Old April 1st, 2014, 05:10 PM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

WisMama

your DSS's councilor may suggest family councing

I did some things right and some things wrong with my DSD - some of the good things


- told her she could paint her room however she wanted, just not black or blood red (too hard to cover) her face = , then she chose orange with blue large dots (several people thought I was nuts for even suggesting anything she wanted, but it was her room)

- I had her pick her favorite pic of her and her DM (deceased), and her and her dad. My DS the same (him and my ex and him and me) We then went shopping for the perfect frames and hung the pictures (along with several others) in the entry way
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  #26  
Old April 16th, 2014, 12:50 PM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

Hi guys. Just another update.

We ended up not having my stepson stay with us longer. It's still every other week. His mom changed her mind.

The last week he was with us was bad all week. This week the first day he came in and assumed it was going to be a bad week. I said hi to them both and asked them how their days were, he glared and called me a name and stomped downstairs.

Later when his dad came home, my stepson came upstairs and acted wounded (I say this because he will literally put his whole body into a slump and act hurt and like he is afraid he's going to be hurt or something) and asked if he could be upstairs with us. I told him I never once said he had to be downstairs and he did that on his own. And my husband told my stepson he wasn't buying the act either. So my stepson said when he came home he just assumed he would be in trouble right away because the last time he had been with us he had been a jerk (his words). My hubby and I then talked to him for a good hour, saying the same things we've always said. That we all need to work at making this family work. And that things will be better if he can be respectful. And that just because he had a bad week when he was last with us, didn't mean it had to be bad the next time he is with us.

My stepson said he'll try and be better, which he has said before, but I still want to believe in him. So the next day when I was going for a walk, he asked if he could go with and just he and I walked for an hour and talked. And since then things have been better.

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, but it feels like he is trying to be better. He says he knows he is a bully and he doesn't want to be one anymore. Now, we've been here before. He'll say all the right things, give all the right looks and then he'll turn around and act so mean and cold. But I do feel like he is trying to be better. And when we walked, he opened up to me a lot about things he doesn't like about when he is at his mom's house. He could be trying to play me, but it did seem like he is frustrated with how she handles them.

We are still looking into the whole counselor thing, so hopefully that will help too. And I want to make more of an effort too. I do try as it is to spend time with them, but I know by default I spend more attention on my son. So I want to get better with making more of an effort. I've been looking up fun projects I can do with them and things like that. I don't want them to feel like I don't care about them. And my stepson said he was really glad he got to spend time with just me the other day when we walked. So I want to try and be better with that too, even when he is frustrating me.
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  #27  
Old April 16th, 2014, 02:37 PM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

You sound like the sort of step mom I could only wish for, for my own kids!
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  #28  
Old April 16th, 2014, 06:44 PM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

Wow...way to go!
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  #29  
Old May 12th, 2014, 08:59 AM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

Hey guys. So....I think a frowny face is in order. Been a ride.

Not sure where to start from where I last updated you. I guess it's just been like a roller coaster. One minute things will be really good and full of hope. But then the next its so bad. My husband and I had a day to ourselves last week without our son (he was with grandparents) and we decided to surprise my stepsons since it was their week with their mom and see if we could take them out to eat or something. The older one (who we have been having our issues with) didnt want to go because he said he was mad at his dad.

My husband was stressed about it ever since so he went in this morning to talk with him at school and my stepson told his dad that he doesn't like me and doesnt want to be at our house and doesnt want to go anywhere if I am along.

I feel so wounded and hurt. I want to be clear I am not mad at my stepson. I know he's just a kid with a lot on his plate and people messing with his head. But I still feel hurt because I have been so much of myself into making this all work. My husband told me to try not to take it personally and that right now my stepson probably just needs someone to take his anger out on. Plus his mom is constantly telling him not to like me, and how bad my husband supposedly treated her when they were together. My husband said maybe it's hard for my stepson to see how good my husband treats me when he believes his dad treated his mom bad.

I'm sure it's a lot of things. Anyways, my husband finally contacted the counselor and we are hoping to get my stepson in even today to talk about it all. I really hope he does and that it helps. And my husband wants to do more stuff alone with my stepson too which I have always encouraged. I know thats important. I have always said he needs one on one time with his dad, so hopefully that helps too.

I hate our family being in such stress. I just want us all to be happy. And I feel really bad for my stepson being so mixed up. He has to be so confused with his mom filling his head with all this stuff. I would be angry if I was him too. I just hate that he is so angry at me
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  #30  
Old May 12th, 2014, 09:28 AM
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Re: How do I help my stepson with his attitude?

((((hugs))))

You're a good person, WisconsinMama. Don't give up.
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