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Old December 22nd, 2016, 02:56 AM
AHam AHam is offline
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Exclamation HELP! Brother in Law dividing my relationship

So my boyfriend and I have been dating now for 5 years and have plans to get married but are not currently engaged. I love this man so much but his oldest brother is causing problems in our relationship.a His brother is really a piece of work so I will only focus on recent issues that have caused problems.

To give you a brief history of the BIL's life; when I first met my BF his brother had no job, no education, no hobbies, no ambitions and sat on his moms couch all day and night and watched movies. Because he was pushing 30 with nothing positive insight his mom help him find a wife and they were married within a year. Within 10 months after they were married they had their first child (at this point he had a new job for a month). Him and his new wife got an apartment but before the baby was born he was fired from his job and moved back in with his mom temporarily somhe could find a new job and save. It's been 5 years with one more baby added to their family and they are still living with their mom. The only changes that have been happening over the last 5 years is that he hasn't been paying any of the bills/utilities having his mom work 7 days a week to support him and his family. Even though I love their mom she is an enabler but that's another conversation.

So fast forward to 2016; about a month ago, while this brother was unemployed or taking family medical leave for a reason that did not exist, he decided to take a loan out in his wife's name somewhere around $20,000 so that him, his wife, and the girls to travel for 2 months "while he had the time off". Now the job he had at the VA was not the best job but they were willing to pay for him to go to school so he could get a promotion but he didn't want to work and go to school so he ended up taking so much time off that they fired him (just not sure on the timing because he constantly lies to everyone). So at then end of traveling for 2 months the last trip he decided to go on is to see his dad and his dads new family. Now in 2016 this seems like no big deal but the reason their parents are no longer together is that their dad use to beat the mom and the brothers when they were boys with him running away when he almost beat their mom from an inch of their life. He beat her so badly that she had to stay in the hospital for a week to to the injuries on her face. Instead of going through the judicial system here, he fled to his home country because he knew he couldn't be prosecuted there and he then tried to get the boys deported so he could take custody while their mother was in the hospital. Thankfully they had an uncle that steped in and helped stopped the process so the boys could stay with their mom. A single mom with 3 boys isn't a simple task but she did it regardless. So to say the least when she found out the oldest brother was going to visit his dad it broke her heart especially since the brothers have only seen their dad once in 20 years.

The oldest brother comes back from the trips an acts like nothing happens. At this point everyone is furious with him for foinf butnover time realize it was his choice. For me the problem with his mentality is that he's a toxic person who always acts with no regard for anyone else but himself so they're "use to it" but this instance sent their mom, uncle, my BF and their youngest brother off the edge. Even though they decided it was his choice it was not only a shock to all of them. Because his oldest brother has a habit of doing whatever he wants whenever he wants and demanding people be with him, I set a personal rule within our relationship that stated if we had plans in advance they are not to be cancelled or changed because of last minute demands from his brother. In the past I have had plans set for weeks and because his brother changed something and wants them together as a family my BF says he is "forced" to bailed on our plans (like my birthday dinner with my dad) because his brother is demanding that he attend his event and if he doesn't then he whole family gets involved because the brother makes such a huge deal of it.

Well this recently came up again because after his brother went and saw their dad he decided that the biological half brothers (17yr and 19yr) he met were going to come visit for two weeks and stay in his mothers house during thanksgiving. That didn't go over very well so they ended up delaying their trip till after the holiday. So this set of events made me so mad. If it wasn't insulting enough to have those kids come stay with his mom who pays for everything
putting her in an awkward position, he's having these boys come during a family holiday when neither my BF or their younger brother are ready to meet them. Due to the younger brother moving out of state for school, there was a desire to have a second thanksgiving that they moved to when we had existing plans (so the Thanksgiving situation that was supposed to be avoided was created again because of the oldest brother). I asked my BF not to go which we got in a disagreement on and he didn't end up going but not without resentment (which I didn't find out till after the fact). At this point I put my foot down based off my understanding of the older brother at this point and mademit clear that I have a hardfast rule with his oldest brother that when either him or his wife make changes to their plans rhatbin tirn impacts our existing plans in anyway that he would keep our existing plans no matter what unless there is an emergency.

As we all know, it's Christmas this week and even though my boyfriend and his family don't celebrate the holiday, my BF spends the time with my family especially my brother who flies in (we both love when my brother comes in). I don't have a good relationship with my family and would happily spend holidays away from them but when my brother comes in he's the only one I make exceptions for. Since my BFs niece (the oldest of his brothers two girls) has a birthday that falls on Christmas, every year we go over there for her birthday party between opening gifts and dinner. This year they decided to go to the mountains (12/22- 12/24) and would be back on her actual birthday. So I made sure to plan out a full day of activities with my brother on the 24th so we could have the 25th available and flexible to see his niece while doing the Christmas thing (even though my mom is insane IMO she has always been understanding if we decide to not come back for dinner so we could stay at the party). Well their mom was having a significant surgery on the 12/20 and the oldest brother thought that they were going to take her up to the mountains for this trip two days after surgery. So when I brought it up and told my BF (who works in surgery for a living for the last 12 years) that she can't go and that it's ridiculous that he would even think that's an option especially since the girls would be there and want attention. Once the oldest brother saw his mom after surgery he decided that he was going to cancel the trip and stay home to take care of his mom. Even though they were planning to stay home they weren't planning on changing his daughters birthday party keeping it on the 24th and they want both of us there at 5:00pm. So when I talked to my BF about the changes before they were confirmed I assumed we wouldn't be going to the party ainve we were planned to be busy from 10:00am - 9:00pm and we'd see his niece on the 25th for her actual birthday. Well I found out that wasn't the case and my BF was planning on making changes to the day so he could make sure to come on the 24th like his brother insisted because the little girl "would be upset if her uncle wasn't their for her birthday party".

This is when I flipped a lid. After years of things like this happening, of watching his brother manipulate and walk all over his family, using the girls as a tool to get what he wants and in my opinion completely disrespecting his mother and family, my BF wants to change the plans we had for weeks, on a Holiday that is the only time my brother flies in for the year because his oldest brother didn't think of the pain and discomfort his mom would be in to actually make the effort as a grown man to plan properly. Then to tpmit off he uses his daughters birthday to pull at my BF's heart strings because they don't want to change the party tonher actual birthday even though they're home now. Due to the way his brother is my BF says the only resolution to not have these types of situations cause fights is to move away from them because as long as we're close this will always happen. Even with this being his solution, he's never presented me with a viable plan to actually move; it's always up to me to plan it.

To me, this is a foundation issue where if we are not clear on where his family stands it will constantly have problems. My biggest issue is that my BF keeps making commitments to me and when it comes to keep that commitment by making a decision, he consistently breaks the commitment he made to me. When talking about marriage we always talked about our relationship being about us and that "we" would be the priority especially when we have kids but it seems like when the hard choices need to be made, any commitments go out the door. At this point it's heartbreaking because I truly love him but I also feel lied to because the commitment is constantly broken to appease a person that is truly a horrible especially when I have been clear where I stand for the last 3 years.

Everything else in our relationship is good. We have issues her and there but they always get worked out. But when it comes to his brother there is always a fight and I'm tired of hearing the same commitment with it never being followed.
I need advice on what to do next? Or How to deal with this properly? Or maybe I'm kidding myself and there is nothing to be done so I should move on?
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Old December 22nd, 2016, 07:46 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: HELP! Brother in Law dividing my relationship

Lot's going on here.

My first thoughts: This is not your BIL; thankfully you aren't married yet. The relationship they have with each other and the mother and the abusive father isn't really your business. That's good news! You have no control over any of that, you aren't responsible for it, and if you choose to stay in a relationship with your BF, you need to totally detach from that situation or it will drive you mad.

You cannot make a "personal decision" for your BF. He has to make his own decisions. It appears that he's decided to let his DB make his decisions for him.

Quote:
To me, this is a foundation issue where if we are not clear on where his family stands it will constantly have problems. My biggest issue is that my BF keeps making commitments to me and when it comes to keep that commitment by making a decision, he consistently breaks the commitment he made to me. When talking about marriage we always talked about our relationship being about us and that "we" would be the priority especially when we have kids but it seems like when the hard choices need to be made, any commitments go out the door. At this point it's heartbreaking because I truly love him but I also feel lied to because the commitment is constantly broken to appease a person that is truly a horrible especially when I have been clear where I stand for the last 3 years.
You sound like a strong person so I'm just going to be blunt.

I think you know that you really just have to move on. You're not kidding yourself; you see the reality. You've invested enough time in this relationship. You know your BF isn't going to change. He isn't doing anything to make plans to move. And even if you moved away, his family can come visit! There's no such thing as running away from the problems.

Do you want to be married to that family? If not, then I suggest you let your BF spend the 24th with his family and you spend it with yours.

Good luck. Better things are waiting for you in 2017!
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Old December 22nd, 2016, 04:16 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: HELP! Brother in Law dividing my relationship

Honestly, I'd let him spend the 24th with his family and you spend it with your brother no matter what. Even if you still want forever with this guy and his family, your boundaries need to be clearly in place from Day 1. Your bf needs to know you are serious. As it stands (and this is just the way I read what you wrote - I may be wrong) your bf makes then breaks commitments to you and you haven't given him any consequences. You "go along to get along" with the broken commitment. I think you need to change that ASAP.

Start as you mean to finish.
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