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Old April 4th, 2018, 12:05 PM
piper34 piper34 is offline
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My MIL hates me

My husband and I have been married 8 years now. Ever since we first started dating my MIL and FIL have done crazy things to me. I've always been really sweet to them. We will start with the second time i ever met my FIL. The first time, we went shooting and my husband was teaching me to shoot. I explained to his family I'd only ever held a gun once before but was afraid to pull the trigger. So back to the second meeting. We walk in their house and he greets me as "hi liar thats dating my son". Wait, what? Why am I a liar sir? "Because you said you'd never shot a gun before but I got on your facebook and saw a picture of you holding a gun. I said uh yeah remember the story we talked about for 10 min of I held it but was afraid to shoot? "Yes." Well thats the picture. "Whatever youre still a Liar."

Now we will skip to the fact that my mother in law bought a black dress for my wedding. We got married in their backyard and she cried the whole time. Refused to let my guests use the restroom and made them go to a port-a-potty over a 100 yards into the woods!!! Imagine my wedding day guests all dressed up in heels and nice clothes walking through leaves and brush to use a port-a-potty! She also wouldn't unlock any bedroom to let me change into my wedding dress.

Skip to present day and MANY MANY incidents later. She continues with desperate attempts to get me in trouble. We went to church for easter and against my better judgement I invited them. We get there and they're no where to be found. My husband calls her, they're waiting at the restaurant. Wait what? What about church? "Your wife said to meet at this restaurant and we'd all ride together. She is trying to make it so we don't show up I guess" (Lets not forget I INVITED THEM!! so if i didn't want them to show up i would've just not invited them at all) Thank goodness I've learned to save my text messages. So I showed my husband all the texts between us. They clearly stated meet us at the church lobby and after church we can go to lunch together somewhere. She got to the church and continued saying I'd done it on purpose. My husband confronted her and showed her the texts. She started to cry because she was angry at me I beat her at her own game. She didn't have an explanation and stomped off refusing to speak to me.
Yesterday she lied to me when i asked her if she'd seen a post on fb and said she is never on fb and doesn't know how to use it. I guess thats half true bc fb said she was last active 3 minutes prior to me asking and I saw that she commented in length on several other people's facebook posts. So she must not understand fb shows these things.
Additionally last week we had a loooong conversation about my sister being pregnant. She saw my sister after our conversation and said to her "Wow i had no idea you're pregnant! My daughter in law never tells me anything"

Now keep in mind this woman is not old. She just turned 50. She is not forgetful and does not have dementia. She is just a liar. Anyone else have these issues? I deal with everything from fielding her lies about me to others to fighting with her bc I tell my kids they can't have milk bc they're allergic and she bringing them home covered in hives bc she gave them milk and sees no issues.

Last edited by piper34; April 4th, 2018 at 12:08 PM.
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Old April 4th, 2018, 01:07 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My MIL hates me

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Originally Posted by piper34 View Post
I deal with everything from fielding her lies about me to others to fighting with her bc I tell my kids they can't have milk bc they're allergic and she bringing them home covered in hives bc she gave them milk and sees no issues.
You do realize that this is abuse, don't you?

The rest of it is easy: just stop going out of your way to be nice to her. You are giving her the olive branch and she uses it to whack you. You should back off and let your husband be the one to deal with her. Don't invite her places, don't tell her happy news about your sister being pregnant. None of that.

But when it comes to giving your kids a food to which they are allergic? The gloves come off. You have to protect your children. Do not ever put her in a position where she can harm your children again. The "it's best for my children to have a relationship with their grandmother" argument does not apply here. (1) Their grandmother tells lies to make their mother look bad, and no one should EVER interfere with a healthy parent-child relationship and (2) their grandmother intentionally puts their health at risk.

What did your husband do when his mom sent his children home with hives?
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Old April 4th, 2018, 01:43 PM
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Re: My MIL hates me

To add to what KayKay has already said:

Do you realize that this is all about how your MIL disrespects your DH as an independent, grown man? She thinks he is still her property and she's letting him know that by pissing all over his family, like they mean nothing, and like he can do nothing without her. DH has to stand up for himself by standing up for his family. He can do this best if you step out of the way.

Hide her on FB, put her on limited access to you. Make him responsible for all communication with them. He'll soon tire of the BS when they call him the liar directly.
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Old April 4th, 2018, 04:51 PM
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Re: My MIL hates me

Well thats part of the problem. My husband always either is a deer in headlights and never says a word or he hugs her and says mom lets change the subject when she is telling lies. He says he loves his parents and doesn't understand why they dont like me but confronting them wont change them so why should he do it. It hurts my feelings so deeply and we have had major arguments about it for years and have been on the verge of divorce many times. I always back away from divorce b/c he is an excellent father and husband and I shouldn't let this one disagreement and person get in the way of what I have. He also says its just normal for her to always do the opposite of what i ask her to with our kids, thats mother in laws for you he says. He was upset when the kids came home several times with hives and when she took them out of town without our permission AND when my son fell from a bridge (yes a bridge) and cut his head open and needed stitches and did not call us and DID NOT take him to the ER. We had to take him the next day! In fact, she brought him home 7 hours later still covered in blood with a concussion saying "We had a great time today!!". I threatened to divorce him and almost did when he didn't say anything to them then!!! I lost my mind and she started crying. My husband got mad at me! My husband is 6'3'' and 280lbs and just, i dont know, weird and cowardly when it comes to his parents. I just dont know what else to do.
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Old April 4th, 2018, 04:59 PM
piper34 piper34 is offline
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Re: My MIL hates me

lucy- i have mostly put him the one in communication with her and she does fine then. No lies, no "misunderstanding", everything is great for a while. But then she accuses me of ignoring her and my husband gets mad at me and tells me i should try again with her. Thats how we ended up doing church and easter and all that. Also i was staying out of family get togethers and things for a bit but that caused further anger in my husband. He said i shouldn't let her push me out, thats what she wants, and to be a part of things. Any way i try it his parents cause us to fight. Sadly we never fight about anything unless its them. I dont want to get a divorce and let her win but he wont go to counseling with me about it and i'm just so done with it all.
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Old April 4th, 2018, 05:25 PM
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Re: My MIL hates me

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Originally Posted by piper34 View Post
Well thats part of the problem. My husband always either is a deer in headlights and never says a word or he hugs her and says mom lets change the subject when she is telling lies. He says he loves his parents and doesn't understand why they dont like me but confronting them wont change them so why should he do it. It hurts my feelings so deeply and we have had major arguments about it for years and have been on the verge of divorce many times. I always back away from divorce b/c he is an excellent father and husband and I shouldn't let this one disagreement and person get in the way of what I have. He also says its just normal for her to always do the opposite of what i ask her to with our kids, thats mother in laws for you he says. He was upset when the kids came home several times with hives and when she took them out of town without our permission AND when my son fell from a bridge (yes a bridge) and cut his head open and needed stitches and did not call us and DID NOT take him to the ER. We had to take him the next day! In fact, she brought him home 7 hours later still covered in blood with a concussion saying "We had a great time today!!". I threatened to divorce him and almost did when he didn't say anything to them then!!! I lost my mind and she started crying. My husband got mad at me! My husband is 6'3'' and 280lbs and just, i dont know, weird and cowardly when it comes to his parents. I just dont know what else to do.
Okay, piper34, this is alarming.

Next time your children have annual checkups with their pediatrician, you talk to their doctor about this. I am frankly stunned that the hospital didn't report y'all to Child Protective Services to open an inquiry about this. You could have your children taken away from you. Do you not realize that??? If your kids are in school (or when they get there) the teachers are mandated reporters and they will know that your kids are being hurt and suspect you for hurting them. If your kids are in school, talk to the teachers/principal/school counselor and ask for help.

You are so, so wrong that he is an excellent father. An "excellent" father would NOT allow this to happen. And you are also so, so wrong that he is an "excellent" husband. An excellent husband would not be mad at his wife for being upset when his mother physically abuses their child.

It is not "normal" for mother in laws to do this. Absolutely not.

Forget marriage counseling. YOU go to counseling. You need help growing a titanium spine to protect your kids. They are in danger. Your husband should be the one doing it, but he's obviously got his own issues. He's more scared of his mom than he is of you, and you have to change that.

Your husband is right that confronting his parents won't change them, but for the love of Pete... he is putting HIS KIDS in harm's way to placate his mom? No. THAT IS ABUSE. It is his parents abusing him, and it is him abusing your kids.

Stop worrying about your MIL hating you and start worrying about your MIL killing your kids. Stop being mad at your husband for not confronting them. Start being mad at him for making you try and play happy families with them and endangering your kids. You have a choice.

And next time your MIL takes the kids out of town without your permission? You call the police. I don't care how mad your husband gets. You need documentation that the children are not in your care when they "fall" from bridges.
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Old April 4th, 2018, 05:38 PM
piper34 piper34 is offline
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Re: My MIL hates me

I agree. Thanks for being honest with me and listening. l am going to take your advice. Its just hard bc I know I may lose my marriage. But youre right about everything. I don't have the best relationship with my parents bc my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was very abusive. I guess thats why i take so much crap from my inlaws ( im used to it and im afraid of losing what little family i have).
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Old April 4th, 2018, 07:49 PM
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Re: My MIL hates me

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Originally Posted by piper34 View Post
I agree. Thanks for being honest with me and listening. l am going to take your advice. Its just hard bc I know I may lose my marriage. But youre right about everything. I don't have the best relationship with my parents bc my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was very abusive. I guess thats why i take so much crap from my inlaws ( im used to it and im afraid of losing what little family i have).
Ahh, that sheds some light! As an adult child of an alcoholic, you're carrying some wounds, and using coping mechanisms that are no longer appropriate. Definitely seek counseling for yourself.

As for your marriage... through counseling, you will learn to set appropriate boundaries for your children so they will be safe. You will set appropriate boundaries around yourself so that your MIL or anyone else cannot abuse you. You can do this while also assuring your DH that you love him. But you can't change him, either. You can only do what is best for your children and yourself.
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Old April 4th, 2018, 10:12 PM
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Re: My MIL hates me

Quote:
Originally Posted by piper34 View Post
I agree. Thanks for being honest with me and listening. l am going to take your advice. Its just hard bc I know I may lose my marriage. But youre right about everything. I don't have the best relationship with my parents bc my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was very abusive. I guess thats why i take so much crap from my inlaws ( im used to it and im afraid of losing what little family i have).
(((hugs)))

piper34, start a file. Get a notebook and start taking notes. Times, dates. "MIL took DS out of town without our permission, he fell from a bridge, she did not take him to hospital, returned him to us after 7 hours with blood and concussion." Include receipts from the hospital. "MIL returned kids with hives; fed them milk." Include pictures of the hives. And start taking the kids to the doctor every time they come back with hives so the doctor has records of that too. Include how DH handled things with his mom.

The reason I want you to do that is so that if you end up deciding that divorce is in your best interest, you have contemporaneous proof of the abuse that your MIL has done to your children. You may, in the future, need a restraining order on her. And it may affect custody with your DH. You want to be able to present to a judge the reason your kids need to be with you full time and not joint custody.

I am so sorry. Please, protect your kids.


And on an encouraging note, family is not necessarily people who are blood-related. There are people out there who will love you and treat you the way family "should" even though they aren't family. Do not fear "losing" abusers. Move towards the loving people and away from the hate-filled ones, no matter what their relation to you.
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Old April 5th, 2018, 09:00 AM
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Re: My MIL hates me

So sorry for your dilemma. The way you are being treated has all kinds of wrong to it, and your husband... Gheesh! I wish he would grow a nut and support/defend you. It would be so easy to remedy the situation if he were to step in and do what he really should do. It may mean avoiding his parents like the plague, but he's married to you - not his parents. He needs to make a choice too.

And your in-laws... Yikes! They give a whole new meaning to the phrase... "Toxic People!"
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