Waiting for the other shoe to drop

[snafu]

Oh boy...


BG - my sister has not been able to accept anyone (family) correcting anything her DS does for years. As a result he is arrogant & (to quote my DH- who's taught for 20 yr) the snottest/snidest kid he's ever delt with.


My sister called our DM today because she had concerns about how my DS (10) acted with her DS (14 1/2) during Thanksgiving. Our mom told her the truth- that her DS is a bully, etc.... Mom said that what she told my sister "took the wind out of her sails" & that she may call me.

I've not heard from her yet... should I make a list (menu) of statments to keep by the phone in case she does call? I don't want to get emotional, just the facts....help - I already have nothing to do with one sister (she's a major "N" - need I say more)

[grubby]

I don't think she'll call. Most people don't like their parenting challenged or questioned (especially your sister it sounds like).

But in case I am wrong (which I usually am, lol), what all do you want to tell her? I might just stick with vague answers:

"I am not sure what you are talking about, DS was fine."
"Really, I hadn't noticed" then 'bean dip" (aka change the subject really fast).

If you want to discuss it, tread lightly. She does not sound like she takes criticism well, especially about her kids (Neither do I, but then my kids are perfect and there is no criticism, j/k)

[KayKay]

I'd have the names and numbers of some local child development experts on hand, plus some book recommendations.

I think this is something you'll do fine with, snafu. I wouldn't make any accusations, but rather ask questions that will lead her to draw her own conclusions. If she feels "accused" of bad parenting, that will just make her feel the need to defend her DS and make her more firmly entrenched in denial. Ask questions about his friends, hobbies, school etc. and be extremely sympathetic about that difficult teenage phase.

In other words, sugar coat it so that it's more palatable to her. Express admiration for her parenting that she's willing to explore the possibility that her DS may have problems. Heck, if you turn it around just right, she'll get N supply from having a DS with problems (I find that a little repulsive, but if it gets your DN help, it gets him help).

Good luck to you. I do not envy your position. You mentioned at one point that you were reading Queen Bees and Wannabes - there are some recommendations in that book about dealing with parents (apply to boys' parents as well as girls' parents IMO) that may be helpful.

[Mrs X]

Are you worried this sister is an N as well? - Good on your mother for talking so straight. I bet it feels quite good to have the air cleared on that one!

I would go with what KayKay suggests, and make very sure you don't undermine what your mother has done for the family, and for the boy in question.

[snafu]

I don't think I was clear - my OLDER sister is the N & I don't have anything to do with her anymore.

My other sister, on the other hand, does not come off as a N, but no family member can say anything about (or to) her DS unless its positive. Does not matter what it is, we are supposed to revolve around her & her DS.

SHE'S NOT THIS WAY WHEN HER DS ISN'T WITH HER - or if our BF from high school is around . If she talks to BF (who has just moved near her) he'll give her an earfull - if he remembers talks we've had.


But I think grubby had it right - she won't call - or if she does she may approach it as our DM is having mental issues

don't get me wrong, her DS is an intelligent kid, & I think is capable of better behavior, but she's taught him (not deliberately) that he's better than people who are not as smart as he is (she acts that way).

[snafu]

Here's a couple of examples from over the years


5 to 6 years ago we were at our mom's & her DS (8-9 yr) was playing with some of my son's toys (not a problem). When he started doing things with them that my DS (4-5 yr) wasn't allowed to I told DN not to do those things as my DS wasn't allowed to & would want to copy him. (this would have caused issues for my DS)

(I was very careful, because even then I knew my sister would have issues with me saying ANYTHING to/about her DS)

My sister became angry with me & told me "He's not hurting them" (she used her POed tone of voice) I explained again to her, I don't remember what she said/did; but her DS continued to do what I'd told him NOT to do. I ended up "grounding" the toys & putting them away. She was POed at me for enforcing the rules.

Another time they were at our mom's I got my head "taken off" for calling her while she was at the park with her DS. Mom had me call because mom thought she'd (my sister) would be nicer to me than she would be to her. We were trying to plan lunch & I asked her about time & her response was "I'll be there when I get there" (in an angry/*****y tone).
Mom and I fixed lunch later as my DS was hungry. When my sister arrived with her DS she was upset that we hadn't waited for her, because we knew she was comming

[KayKay]

So he's just copying her behavior, right?

[snafu]

I honestly don't know - I've never seen him when he's not with family/my sister. I do know that he doesn't have that many friends & he has said before its because he's smarter than most of the kids in his school. He is intelligent, but if he treats people he feels aren't as smart as he is the way his mom does - no wonder he doesn't have that many friends.

He also can not stand for anyone to be better than him at things. For example, he will not run a race, play chess, etc. against someone who can beat him. He only wants to win.


edited to add: "The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault." This describes how my sister treats her son and MY DS. My DS who is 5 yr younger than her DS is the one who causes the problems (how may 14/15 yr olds do you know follow the lead of a kid who is 10 yr?)

[snafu]

I was thinking about posting here earlier to ask advice about calling my sister but to quote Kaykay in another thread

"Sorry to vent here. I'm scared to open my mouth IRL." - so I didn't

Anyway, my DM called to tell me she is in the hospital and wanted me call my sisters to let them know. I was on my way out the door to take DS to his game, so we talked while I was driving (bad me). My phone died shortly after DM & I got off the phone - she knew I would call my sisters later- her suggestion I do it after the game - but she called my twin (aka mom in denighal) and told her she was in the hospital. When I called her, there was really no converstation, just "yea, she told me already" and that was it.

What do you suggest I do?

(DM's doctor thinks she's got too much of one of her meds in her system -she's on a lot- and they're going to try to get it fixed)

[KayKay]

Sorry to hear about your Mom.

Originally Posted by snafu

What do you suggest I do?

Um... ... about what, exactly? Sorry - I missed the problem.