About to graduate college, considering moving out of very overbearing household.

[RavenDLL]

I am currently 22 years old, but every year, my parents cling on tighter. They have complete access to my bank account, and I cannot withdraw/deposit any of my hard-earned money without asking them to do it, and any attempt I make at getting control over my own money is met with threats of cutting me off. I am truly grateful that they have offered to pay the remaining amount of tuition that I am unable to pay for, but I do not feel that the intention is out of generosity. They have refused to send me to the much cheaper college that I wanted to attend, that had a better program, and they refused my offer to pay all of my tuition. I feel (understatement, my brother and I are certain) that paying part of my tuition is their way to buy absolute control, because while they are paying tuition and while I am living at home, I must follow all of the rules, all of which are pretty heavy. My brother once defied these rules by choosing his own college courses (my parents choose our classes), and they pulled him out of college in his second year.

My parents are also not...completely normal. My mother is a very emotionally unstable woman, and does not tend to think rationally before acting, making any "sit-down-and-talk" more or less useless. My aunts have told me stories of some violent actions as a child. My dad is a very angry person, with a sort of god complex. He never doubts his own opinion, to extreme levels, to the point where he believes he knows more than doctors, professors or other professionals in fields he never studied, and blows his top at anyone who questions him. He is also an open sexist, and has told me, to my face, that he has never taken women in my would-be profession seriously.

The household and financial rules are a bit extreme. I am not allowed to purchase items outside of food without their approval. When I am home, I have a 7pm curfew, cannot leave home for more than three hours total in a day, and cannot leave home more than once per week on my own. This is actually significantly more freedom than before I went to college.

This list goes on forever, but I want to cut to the chase. I grew up in extreme conditions that are leaking into today. I have been diagnosed with severe depression at a very young age, 11. While I am in this household, I am not able to work on job applications (they must "approve" of wherever I apply, but they so far never "approved" of anything except for part-time work at my college), not motivated to brush up on my skills, and I basically feel stuck, as if I am a child in an adult's body, not going anywhere. Although they smother me and always push me to my limits, they do not care about my well-being. One semester in my sophomore year, I was so absorbed in my studies that I developed a permanent heart condition from inactivity and under-eating, and my parents told our doctor that she did not know what she was talking about, and my illness has gone ignored for two years now, but still punished me because my grades were not as high as they wanted.

I just feel that as long as I stay here, I will remain a kid, with the appearance of an adult. Many of my friends have already made great strides in improving their resume, have researched abroad, done lots of field work, attended seminars and networking festivals, and here I am, doing everything my mother asks of me, which never will be enough.

If you disagree with my desire to move out without their permission, please tell me why you feel this way; I welcome perspective. If you do agree, I would like to know the best approach to this. I do not hate my family, and I do hope to one day have a good relationship with them, but they need to learn to trust me to take my own risks and make my own mistakes, instead of punishing me in advance for mistakes that never happen.

[KayKay]

RavenDLL, I completely agree that you need to move out. Your college probably has a counseling office for students. Please, please go and talk to them. You need to move out, but you need to plan carefully and you will need emotional support through the process.

You can do it.

[LucyVanPelt]

I fully support your desire to move out and want to echo KayKay's advice to plan carefully and have a support system in place when you do. (((Hugs)))

[snafu]

Thirded

What is your ethnic background?


Where is your brother now? Is he in a position to help, or is he younger than you?

[RavenDLL]

I am half-Chinese and half-Caucasian. My mother is Chinese and grew up in a poor and developing area, and my father is Italian from Brooklyn. My brother is older than me by three years. He is currently in the same situation as I. He regrets not making the move before leaving college, but he hadn't raised enough money to move out. He is considering joining the military, but he is currently not in a position to help me. We are supporting each other, however. Why do you ask?

[RavenDLL]

KayKay and Lucy, thank you for your support. When school is back in session, I have a lot of work to do, it seems. I mostly have to find a way to raise the money needed to rent an apartment. I was thinking about taking up one or two extra jobs in secret, and have those paychecks mailed directly to my dorm mailbox, while keeping my original job but work less hours, and have that money sent to my mom's shared bank account as per usual, to avert suspicion.

[KayKay]

Your parents probably any tax forms you file, so you will have to have this all done before tax forms are filed for the year 2015. With so much control over your free time, how will you hide working two extra jobs?

Is there any chance you and your brother can help each other leave? Can you get an apartment together somewhere? I think it would be safest if you left together.

[RavenDLL]

Yes...I have to find a reliable way to learn about taxes and banking. My parents have always done that, and have not taught me any of it because they don't think I need to know (I should have known how at least four years ago...). I try looking it up online, but I'm afraid of unreliable sources leading me into credit debt. Maybe a school counselor will help me with this as well. Any suggestions for a reliable and professional adviser? Will my parents know if I take out a credit card and open a bank account for myself?

When school is back in session, I leave home. They try to keep track of me as best as they can when I go to college, and they do their best to control things like what courses I take, but they cannot track how many jobs I have on campus; they just try to make sure that I have a job and that they are seeing some money go over to the shared bank account.

I have a little bit more control over my life when I go to campus, if I am careful, so for the past 3 years I felt I had a safe haven. But I know that I cannot return home when I graduate, because I know they will reinforce complete control as they do every time I am home, and as they did for all of my life before college.

I wouldn't mind living with my brother, but I know that he has a different path than I do. Because of our fields, we may have to go where we can find a career (for him, it's Washington DC, for me, it's a few major other US cities, except for NYC because that's where I currently live with my parents). I will probably end up living with my boyfriend or a close friend around Rochester area, because that's where I have the most connections.

[LucyVanPelt]

School counselors might help. Your local public library might also have resources for taxes. Opening a bank account is pretty easy, too. Yoi can do this!

[Mochadelicious]

Perhaps you could find a little apartment to share with a couple of friends? Or, see if you can temporarily move in with a friend until you get a job and a bank account established. Taxes aren't hard, especially for a student with limited income, but you could always seek help with your taxes from places like H&R Block or get tax software that walks you through it.

As far as tuition goes, you will likely loose the financial help from your parents if you move out. Try talking to your financial aid department at school and see what your options are. You could see about student loans, grants and scholarships. Being an independent living on your own and making little money will likely put you in a good position to get a lot of grant money. Right now is the perfect time to do this as the Fafsa is due very soon for next fall.