Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Parents

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old September 3rd, 2012, 07:26 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,580
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Caring for Aging Parents

As some of you know, although my DM is not sick, she is aging and she's entering that time in her life when she wants to be closer to her children when we are most busy with our own families. She wants to be assured that she'll be loved and cared for while we're running and facing empty nests in the next decade.

Family dynamics have determined that I will always be her primary care giver. I have already asked my siblings for help, but both DM and my sibs have relationship issues that impede assistance. So I'm already dealing with some of the things that primary care givers deal with: guilt when setting boundaries. This is what I have learned so far.

Knowing what my boundaries are and saying "no" when they are crossed is necessary to a healthy relationship. I've already learned this when I became a parent, but somehow I have a hard time following this with my own DM: The most important boundary is ME-TIME. I should take some to care for myself everyday. Wind down, relax, exercise... whatever it is I need to refresh. I have to be almost religious about it. Although I still feel a little guilty, I also know it is necessary.

Hope this helps someone else who is entering this time in our lives.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old September 3rd, 2012, 07:38 AM
Lizzie's Avatar
Lizzie Lizzie is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ireland (DUBLIN)
Posts: 852
Lizzie will become famous soon enough
Re: Caring for Aging Parents

Knowing what my boundaries are and saying "no" when they are crossed is necessary to a healthy relationship. I've already learned this when I became a parent, but somehow I have a hard time following this with my own DM: The most important boundary is ME-TIME. I should take some to care for myself everyday. Wind down, relax, exercise... whatever it is I need to refresh. I have to be almost religious about it. Although I still feel a little guilty, I also know it is necessary.
quote:


This is such an important piece that Lucy wrote above.

My parents were 'older' parents when I was born and they have passed on a good
while ago.
I was always the primary carer as I have just one male sibling who is rather selfish.
I do though still have a sp needs son and just like with ageing parents etc
it is so important to realise what you can physically take on and where the boundaries are

Me time for all of us is very important and with Me Time comes a much happier, healthier
carer/mother.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old September 3rd, 2012, 07:51 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,257
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Caring for Aging Parents

((((Lucy))))

My parents are both deceased (like Lizzie, they were "older" when I was born) but I often wonder about my ILs.

Does your mom have any outside interests at all?
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old September 3rd, 2012, 09:34 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,580
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Caring for Aging Parents

KayKay, I continue to encourage her to have outside interests. All of her interests seem to revolve around me, or she feels like she has to include me. For example, I've encouraged her to make friends with people the last few years; she always blamed my DSF's illness for not being able to forge friendships. She finally invited someone she's known for over 20 years to dinner. Great! But then she insisted we had to come, too. I politely declined.

Thank you for sharing, Lizzie. I'm glad you still know the importance of Me Time. (((hugs))))
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old November 2nd, 2012, 04:26 AM
marcjohnson01 marcjohnson01 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
marcjohnson01 is on a distinguished road
Re: Caring for Aging Parents

I have a grandpa who always wants to live independent. Now he is in assisted living home in Toronto. We are glad to know that he really enjoys the life there. He engages in social activities there. Also staffs there take care of him well whenever needed.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old November 2nd, 2012, 05:20 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,580
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Caring for Aging Parents

Welcome, marcjohnson01. I'm glad your grandfather likes his living arrangements. Making that adjustment is hard for everyone. Do you visit him often?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old November 17th, 2012, 04:25 AM
Freek Freek is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 6
Freek is on a distinguished road
Caring for Aging Parents

I think you can avail some well furnished and facilitated old age house for your aged parents. As their are some organizations providing luxrusies and five star facilities to senior citizens at reasonably priced homes. Along with 24/7 nursing facility with complete privacy.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old November 23rd, 2012, 03:45 AM
marcjohnson01 marcjohnson01 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
marcjohnson01 is on a distinguished road
Re: Caring for Aging Parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Welcome, marcjohnson01. I'm glad your grandfather likes his living arrangements. Making that adjustment is hard for everyone. Do you visit him often?
Yes, we visit him every weekend and he has a lot to share with us.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old December 13th, 2012, 02:24 PM
ValQu's Avatar
ValQu ValQu is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 20
ValQu is on a distinguished road
Re: Caring for Aging Parents

My grandmother has always been very firm on living in her home she raised her children in, and lived with my grandfather in. She suffers from dementia and other illnesses. However, once boundaries were set and she was moved into an assisted living home she not only improved mentally, but physically as well. She even insisted on putting the house up for sale that she never wanted to move out of. Stay positive. Your mom will benefit from your boundaries.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old December 13th, 2012, 05:12 PM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,580
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Caring for Aging Parents

I had forgotten this thread.

I don't know that my mom will benefit from boundaries. She is highly resistant and doesn't believe in them when they apply to her. She will eventually resign herself to them, and she'll be the martyr and I'll feel guilty. But I'm beginning to believe that guilty is better than harassed.

I'm glad things turned out well with your DM ValQu. Did you move your DM against her will, or did she eventually agree to the move before she was placed in the home?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:36 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network